don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He passed out mid-signature
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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