I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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