four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
