I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
