I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had to cum in my sink.
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