this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
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He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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