Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
