does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
babies were throwing up all over the place
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
