I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
