He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
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Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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