I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
