I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
