I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
