I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
