I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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