if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
