Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
