1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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