I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
