I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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