i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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