I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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