Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
