you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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