Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
a search helicopter?!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
