So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
