Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
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