If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
