I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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