Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
