Michael Bay diarrhea
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
