I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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