My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
