i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
