you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
