I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
