apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
