Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
