I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
