wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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