He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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