Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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