My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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