the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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