Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
