You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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