beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
