this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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