He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
