wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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