I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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