i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
