so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
