I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
