I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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