I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
