I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
