Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
