So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
