dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
