I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We left the knife in your bed.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize