Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
